[Main][Advice][Bio][Feedback][Games][Links][Mailing List][Merchandise][MP3s][News][Pics][Shows] BOYS SUCK HAS BECOME The Motion Sick
	"30 Lives" Video
	Boys Suck Advice

Sassafras Jane wrote:

sometimes things are just so upsetting. what should i do? the boys, they suck, the toothpaste, it's swirly--a girl just gets so confused.

From: TheSleepwalker - 08/09/2002

Whether or not you roll up your tube of toothpaste as you use up its contents has taken on some kind of psychological significance over the years. Whether stated outright or not, many folks view tube rollers as anal retentive types. I myself did at one point (before I was anal retentive, I suppose), but throwing away paste always seemed like a waste to me. And yet, using one of those plastic tube winders inherently seemed .. well... kind of uncool. So for those of you who think it's uncool to waste paste, but don't want be branded an anal retentive type, here is your solution. Once you get down to the 1/4 tube point or so, grab any nearby object with a straight edge to it (I personally use the edge of my razor blade holder - but anything with a good flat edge will do). While pressing it down against the tube with this edge, simultaneously push it up the length of the tube towards its top. Make sure the lid is on, or you'll end up with an interesting toothpaste swirly on your sink.

From: ninjA - 08/09/2002

A wise man once said: Excuse me, but are you a fan of japanese game shows? That's a shame. I saw one on the other day, it had some contestants cutting off their pinkies, then making art with their bloody stumps and the prize was bottle of toothpaste with a picture of godzilla on it because godzilla was inspired by a toothpaste commercial. Seriously, i saw something like that on the japanese channel over here. Trinidad, it's a small island just south of Indiana. We have monkeys over here that do our bidding. We train them to have knife fights and exterminate pirates. We get attacked by pirates quite a bit. I'm studying to become a full-fledged ninja and my training consists of wailing on guitars, throwing ninja stars (ninja weapon), drinking soda, crap like that.

From: discohog - 08/10/2002

I must concede this question to more experienced advice columnists. The leading swirly toothpase experts in the country say the following: Melosa Storm Says: I think you should get non-swirly toothpaste. It is way less confusing. And maybe if you brushed your teeth more boys would not suck so much. Maybe it is the toothpaste that is causing them to suck. Skinnny Mao Says: I see a simple solution that will kill two birds with one stone. Step 1) Stop using toothpaste. I've always been a strong beliver in "Personal hygene is for suckers!" After a while, I am sure the boys (and the girls) will stay away from you, no matter what you do. Problem solved! The Sleepwalker Says: While I have nothing but respect for my associates, I fear that they have fallen prey to the media's innacurate portrayal of toothpaste.

From: TonKatsu - 08/10/2002

I have a few questions for you. In your message you refer to "they" ("they suck"). Who are "they"? I've been hearing this a lot lately and I'm beginning to think "they" are a figment of many people's imagination. Also, you say "it's" swirly. What's swirly? Your hair? Are you having a bad hair day? Because I can recommend a nice vitamin treatment that will help you get back that Soul Glo shine! Oh wait! Maybe THAT'S what you were talking about when you said "they" suck? Your curls? It's all becoming clear to me and... wait... nope. I lost it again. What do you mean by "sometimes"? And what does "--" mean? Is this MadLibs? Yay! MadLibs!!!

From: skinnymao - 08/12/2002

Toothpaste is swirly and boys suck. I hope this clears things up for you.

From: blitzkriegbliss - 08/13/2002

it is very hard to get most boys to suck. but it seems that your chances will increase if you have good dental hygiene. brushing twice a day is ridiculous. i brush five times a day or more. here's the breakdown: when i get up, after every meal, before i go out anywhere, before i see boys, and before bed. it doesn't really seem to matter so much what kind of toothpaste you use, if the swirly kind titillates you then use that, but use something! i hope this has cleared up any confusion, any further questions can be directed to your family dentist.

From: ShinobiTom - 08/14/2002

I find when I am in the right place at the right time, the right boys are brushing their teeth with the right toothpaste. Sometimes I see the right girls brushing their teeth with the right toothpaste but usually girls get confused and forget which toothpaste is the right toothpaste. For these type of girls as I assume you fit into the category of, I suggest finding the right boys with the right toothpaste. The right toothpaste may be swirly but that is only if you use a swirly kind. Some of the right toothpastes do not have any swirl, they are just tubular. Note, boyssuck. Men on the otherhand know the right toothpaste.

From: slackerkat - 08/26/2002

i hear ya......upsetting things make me all swirly too.....

From: Zotk - 08/27/2002

Why is everyone getting blowjobs but me?

From: Elroy - 08/27/2002

Use the force to solve your problem.

From: ChairmanTubeAmp - 09/17/2002

Dear Sassafras, I recommend Paxil. It has been shown to reduce the effects of dementia in senior citizens, and I propose that this could help your confusion in dealing with everyday tasks like tooth brushing and getting boys to suck. Ask your doctor for more information on Paxil from GlaxoSmithKline, formerly SmithKline Beecham. "Just a teeny multinational corporate conglomerate that cares about /you/." SM Good luck! -ChairmanTubeAmp

DISCLAIMER: This page is for entertainment purposes only. We are not licensed or professional counselors. We are offering this advice based on our personal experiences. What you choose to do with this advice is your decision. We are not responsible for your words or actions, or the consequences of them based on your interpretations of our advice. If you think that you may have any type of serious mental illness, you should seek professional counseling.